Hi, I’m A Mess.
Tuesday, April 25th, 2006Hi,
I’m A Mess. Actually, my name is Angela, but sometimes I really
feel like I should change my name to I’m A Mess. I’ve had anxiety
attacks for as long as I can remember. Even as a child, although back
then I didn’t know what was happening. All I knew was that something
was happening to me, and I was afraid that if I told anyone, they
would take me to the hospital. I have always had a very intense fear
of hospitals and anything medical. I’m in my mid-30’s now, and that
fear is as intense now as it was back then. And now, to make matters
worse, I have developed severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I’ve had
it for about ten years now, but it has steadily gotten worse and
worse. I feel like I have every worry and fear known to man. I worry
constantly about absolutely everything. I worry about everything and
everyone. I feel so angry at myself sometimes because I can’t seem to
stop my fears and my worrying from preventing me from living a normal
life. My present problem is my medication. I asked my doctor to please
give me something to help me with my Generalized Anxiety Disorder
because I really do want to feel better and to feel at least somewhat
normal again…and now I can’t make myself take it. He gave me a
prescription for Lexapro. I am terrified of the possible side effects.
I guess my first mistake was reading that little paper that they
always put in the bag with any prescription you get which lists every
possible side effect, no matter how remote. I got up this morning all
set and ready to take it. I was going to start taking it yesterday
because it was the first day of a brand new month. Well, I’ve sat here
all day yesterday and today wanting to take it but terrified of what’s
going to happen to me if I do, which of course, has made my anxiety
level very high today. And now that it’s almost nighttime, I’m afraid
to take it for fear of not waking up in the morning. Also, I take .25
of Xanax twice a day, and I’m afraid of taking the Lexapro and the
Xanax anytime even remotely close to each other. In other words, I am
a complete, all-around mess. I want very badly to take this medicine
knowing that it might possibly help make me feel better, yet I just
can’t seem to get past the fear of what might happen if I do take it.
It just feels like a big circle. My intentions are good, but I always
seem to end up right back where I started, sitting here, afraid. I
want very much to get past this, but I just don’t seem to know how.
Any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.
Angela